Today, I have trouble describing where it is that we are.  I’m not much of a science fiction person, but I think terms like black hole or vortex fit well.  Or maybe it’s kind of like Marty McFly in Back to the Future – stuck in a strange place in time.

I know what our past was like.  We got up, got the kids ready, went to school and work, chauffeured kids to activities, had dinner, did homework, and started all over again.  Then, when we were in Ethiopia, we saw a glimpse of what the future will be like – diapers, playing soccer, bottles, hugs, and communicating with a little guy we can’t speak to.  Now we’re back at home and we’re supposed to be doing all those things in the first list.  And we do.  We get up.  We go to work.  We eat.  But it doesn’t seem real now that we’ve seen what the future will be like.  It’s so hard to explain, but I feel like something here should be different.  But it’s not yet, which is heartbreaking.

Mornings are the worst.  I wake up and automatically do a +8 calculation to figure out what time it is in Ethiopia, and therefore, know what the kids are doing right then.  (It’s a pretty predictable schedule!)  Then I lay in bed wishing I was there to do it with them.  Wishing I could be the one making their lunch or that I was tucking in them in at naptime.

Yet, I keep putting one foot in front of the other, doing the things I am required to do.  I will keep doing them a little longer and hopefully soon, it will be time to go back.  I certainly hope it happens quickly, because this twilight zone is maddening.

Carpe Huh?

I knew that today would be rough, but had no idea how hard it would be.  Early in the day, we had one of the nannies explain that we were leaving tonight to go back to America and get things ready for him.  She told him that in a few months, we would come back and get him and H and we would all fly on an airplane to America.  He said “yes, I am happy.” But this afternoon, he and Andrew were playing, when suddenly he started to hit Andrew.  We were at the guest house, so asked Leah to translate and ask why he was so upset.  He at first came up with one reason, but then said he wanted to go inside and hug Mommy goodbye.  So, we said our goodbyes in the courtyard, with no translator, and I told him I loved him in Amharic.  That’s all I could say.  Then Andrew took him back to the big kid house, where I’m glad I didn’t witness the rest of the goodbye.  I stayed in the courtyard, hugging H with tears rolling down my cheeks until I could pull it together enough to go back inside and feed H her dinner.  Then, when Andrew got back, we took her back to her crib, and left her, once again, with a huge smile on her face.  Sometimes not knowing what’s going on makes it easier.

Now we’re on a plane back to DC.  This weekend we will celebrate Christmas with my mom.  Monday I will go back to work.  We will take the kids to school, do homework, and nag the kids to brush their teeth  Basically, we will act like nothing has changed.  But everything has changed.

View from Mount Entoto

National Museum

Remains of Lucy

What Lucy would have looked like - about 3.5 feet tall

Watkins Family...can't keep us away from Higher Education

Merkato Madness

We came back this afternoon and had some play time before dinner and the last night of “Adoption Camp,” as Andrew likes to call it.  We have been here with 9 other families (two just showed up in the last 24 hours), and it has been amazing to share this experience with them.  We came from all walks of life and ended up here together in this strange and unpredictable process, and I hope that we continue to bring laughter and support to each other throughout the coming years.  Congrats to those of you who are going home with your families, and to the court folks, I hope we will meet again in Addis sometime soon.

Playtime was a little different this time, because they let the other kids out into the courtyard while we were there, so there so there was more competition for the red car and more chance to watch him interact with other kids.  When it’s just us, he knows we can’t understand him, so he grunts and points a lot.  But with the other kids, he talks a lot and seems to be telling them all what to do.  He was playing jump rope with another little boy and the handle broke off.  A tried intently for a few minutes to fix it, then I tried to show him that he could still twirl it even with only part of the handle.  But, he would have none of it, so he took the other end from the little boy and walked over to the toy shelf and put it away, and I guess told the other little boy not to play with it anymore, because he gave up, too. When the nannies told the kids it was time to wash up for snack (they have bread and milk every day at 10:00), he was the first to go sit on the rug and was pointing for others to sit down, and I could tell he was frustrated that not everyone was doing it as quickly as him.  Not sure if he’s a rule-follower or was just very hungry.

After snack we came back and got H and took her inside the guest house.  Up until now, we’d always held her, either outside or in a chair in her room, but I wanted to see if she could crawl, scoot, or get around some other way.  The floor in the common room is hardwood, so it was pretty slick, but we were able to determine that she can get up on all fours, but not quite go anywhere yet.  She did some scooting, but unfortunately, it was backward, which just made her more mad.  I would say that for a seven month old, she is pretty close to being on target developmentally.  And have I mentioned that she smiles ALL the time?  She is totally a happy baby.

While the kids were napping, we all went over to the Hilton for some Internet time (you may remember my Facebook post from this day) and Diet Coke (they only have regular Coke at Horizon House).  We decided that on the way home, we should stop at a liquor store and buy some beer to drink up on the roof that night.  We had picked up a new family of four at the Hilton, who were heading to Horizon House for a Friday court date, so the 14-passenger van had about 16 people in it.  We told Mulat where we wanted to stop and he pulled over.  Keith was in the front, so he hopped out and he and Mulat went to the door.  We could see them standing there (they never went all the way inside).  Eventually after what seemed like negotiating, a man took Keith’s money and came out carrying a case with 12 bottles in it.  Keith starts following him down the street, while Mulat comes back to the van.  Now, you should understand that we are never allowed to leave Horizon House without a guard or Mulat.  Even when we walk back and forth between the two houses, a guard escorts us.  So, to see Keith, wearing a bright red “USA” T-shirt wander off with some strange man from the liquor store and a case of beer was quite a sight. What we later learned is that they won’t sell you beer unless you trade in empty bottles, so the guy was carrying the beer back to Horizon House, which was only a few blocks away, in order to get our empties.  Mulat did drive right along beside Keith, but it was one of the funnier things I’ve seen in a while.  For the record, 12 bottles of beer cost 132 birr, approximately $7.50.

It’s official.  We are now the proud parents of four children.

Today was our court appointment and all went smoothly.  It’s a very different process than what you might expect, so for those of you unfamiliar with it, let me briefly describe.  You arrive and sit in a waiting room with uncomfortable chairs where you can’t make any noise.  Then our group was called in together.  There were four families from our agency, and we all went in together.  When I say “went in,” you may imagine us walking into some sort of grand courtroom, but actually, we all just walked into the judge’s office and sat in chairs around the wall.  She called the names of the children like she was calling roll, and once we were all present, she proceeded to ask the entire group some yes and no questions.  After she was convinced that we had started to learn about Ethiopian culture and that we had seen the children in question, she explained that this adoption is irreversible and asked if we wanted to adopt these children.  After we all said yes, she told us that the adoptions were final and that all our paperwork was there (including our MOWA letter, which is the cause for most recent delays).  I got a little lump in my throat and then it was all over and we walked out.  The whole thing took about 2.5 minutes.

The hardest part of the whole thing was watching the scene in the waiting room.  There was a family who was relinquishing their child(ren) and a family who was there to adopt them, along with a couple of social workers.  They were each called into the judge’s office separately, there were tears, awkward handshakes, and then it was over.  But it was a poignant and touching reminder of the entire adoption process and the fact that A and H’s family had to make a terrible decision in order for us to build our family.  It was one of those moments that you wish you’d never witnessed, but know that you needed to see.

After lunch we went to do some shopping and got to barter with the vendor.  Andrew got a great deal (well, at least we think so…) on some soccer jerseys and we picked up some things for the kids.  We went to a coffee shop, a grocery store and a book store to get more souvenirs.

When we returned to Horizon House the doctor was there for his weekly visit.  From what we can figure out, the nurse comes earlier in the day and sees all the kids, then the doctor comes in the afternoon to see those who are sick or new.  Since A and H had just arrived the day before, they both saw the doctor.  H has a double ear infection and an inflamed airway, so they put her on antibiotics, but A got a clean bill of health.  I felt like I should be billing Blue Cross for this, since today is the day they legally became our children, but let’s not get off track with my rant about health insurance for these kids.  Anyway, it makes me feel better knowing that the kids are getting regular medical care and that they can get medication when needed.

After the doctor visit, Andrew stayed with H while I took A back to the big kid house for a while.  One of the kids threw a toy car out the window where we were, so I picked it up and started playing with it and A came over and sat down.  We rolled that car back and forth between us for about 20 minutes.  I am confident that this kid does not have ADD – he can do the same thing for hours.  He doesn’t get overly excited about anything, but you can tell by his face that he’s into it.

Tonight we went out for a traditional Ethiopian dinner, complete with entertainment and dancing.  I’ll let the pictures speak for that one.

Parents of Four!

Cheers!

Mary can dance!

Delicious!

Well, as disappointing as yesterday was, today was joyful to the same extent.  Maybe more.  Today, we met A and H.  Today, I fell in love.

This morning started off with a great pancake breakfast and some down time.  We were wondering whether we should walk over to the big kids’ house or stay where we were and just hang out, when Mulat arrived.  We asked if he could take us to the Hilton, where we could get an Internet connection and send some emails to let everyone know what was going on.  Kim and her dad, Greg went with us and we used the business center for about an hour, then hopped in the van to come back.  As we’re driving down the street that both the care centers are on, Mulat suddenly just stops the van and I realize that we’re outside the big kids’s house and that there is a van in the driveway.  He says “this may be them, let me check,” and hops out of the van before I had a chance to understand what he meant.  We sat in the van while he talked to the other driver, then he came around nodding, so I practically knocked Greg out of the way scrambling to crawl out of the back of the van.  We went inside only to learn that A was taking a bath and getting cleaned up, so we went back to the van (where I realized that Kim and Greg were patiently waiting) and drove back to the baby house.  When we walked in, one of the nannies was holding H giving her a bottle, and she quickly stood up, handed her over, and I sat there, feeding this little girl and staring into the most amazing eyes I’ve ever seen.  Her eyes are fascinating to me…they are so dark that you almost can’t tell the difference between the pupil and the rest of her eye.

Our first meeting

After just a few minutes, we heard a commotion and realized that they had brought A over to visit.  So, still holding H with the bottle in her mouth, I went over to meet my son.  I knelt down in front of him, and he looked so small and shy.  He held out his hand like a handshake, so I took it and kissed his little fingers.  (Get the tissues ready…good part coming…)  Then, he pulled my hand up and kissed it back.  It was the sweetest moment ever.  He did the same thing with Andrew.  Only later, did we learn that this is the customary greeting where he’s from.  Next, Mulat asked him about his sister and he said H’s name…his voice is so quiet and reserved.

Sweet Greeting

Mulat produced a soccer ball and A and Andrew played in the courtyard.  He is amazing.  Not just at soccer, but at how expressive his face is.  He does this amazing thing with his eyebrows – I can’t explain it, but it’s kind of sweet and mischievous all at once.  He has a great smile, too, and sticks out his tongue when he plays soccer, just Iike S.  At one point, he also put his hands on his hips, which totally cracked me up.  Andrew let him ride on his back a while, and he just petted and stroked Andrew’s hair like it was fascinating.  We got out his photo book and he was very excited, pointing to each face in our family picture.  He also told us the word for cat and dog.

All the while, I am holding H and getting to know her.  She, too, has a wicked cute smile, and I was able to make her giggle a little.  She is sitting up well, and was very alert about what was going on in the courtyard.

After naps, I gave H a bottle, then we went back for evening play time.  A pretty quickly gravitated toward the car.  We pushed him all around the courtyard about a million times.  He was talking almost the whole time in a quiet, soft voice that we couldn’t understand, but he made his wishes known by pointing which way he wanted us to go and using those expressive eyebrows to signal displeasure when we didn’t do it right.  Problem was, about an hour and a half later, we were bored with the car and wanted to do something else, but he would have none of it.  He parked the car and just sat there.  Eventually, we pulled the car over to where we were sitting, but he still didn’t want to get out.  Finally, I opened the door and pulled him out onto my lap, and the exhaustion of the day set in.  He crumpled, and melted into me, completely limp.  What a sweet, sweet boy.

Exhausted After a Long Day

I can’t even imagine what today was like for these kids.  It was emotionally exhausting for me and A) I’m an adult and B) I know what’s going on.  These two on the other hand, got up at the crack of dawn and left caretakers and an environment they’ve been in for six months.  They showed up here, we’re bathed and given new clothes, then introduced to strange white people called mommy and daddy, when they don’t even know what that means.  I wonder how A will look back on today years from now.  What will he remember?  What moments touched him, scared him or excited him?  Did he like us or was he bummed he didn’t get a different pair of white people?  We still don’t know exactly what he’s been told about his adoption, or what it will mean to him in the future.

But for now, they are here.  They are close.  I have met them and held them.  And I love them.

The Car

She sucks her index finger.

We flew out Friday morning and arrived in Ethiopia Saturday morning.  The flight was pretty uneventful.  I did try to stay awake until bedtime Ethiopia time, then popped an Ambien, but I still only slept a few hours.  A little too anxious for even drugs to work!

On the plane GPS

We landed in Addis Ababa about 7:30 am – about 30 minutes early.  There were eight families from Wide Horizons on our flight, four of us here for court and four for their Embassy trip.  Eight families, all with a ton of luggage.  One van.  Mulat, our driver from Wide Horizons, tied all the luggage to the top of the van and we piled in, with one family taking an extra car.

About a third of what was eventually put on top of the van.

We drove out of the airport and got our first glimpses of the city.  It is a really large, bustling city.  The roads are good, and the traffic was not too crazy.  There are a lot of tall buildings – taller than I expected to see – and people are everywhere, including the street.  It seems like everyone is walking in the street.  There is a lot of construction going on, and they use this scaffolding that is made out of small twigs tied together.  Workers’ comp nightmare!  We even got to see some donkeys strolling down the street.

Donkeys outside the guest house

We arrived at Horizon House and the doors to the baby rooms were open.  We could hear the babies inside.  We were supposed to wait in the dining room while they unloaded our luggage and got our rooms for us.  But, you can imagine how well that went over, so those of us with babies went to the baby rooms.  The other two families with babies quickly found their kids, but there was no H.  I kept repeating her name and the nannies kept looking at me like I was crazy and shaking their heads “no.” So, I waited with the others until it was time to walk over to the big kid house, which is about 100 yards down the road.  I knew it was unlikely she would be there since she is only seven months old, but was still hoping that for some reason both the kids would be there.  Fail.  When we got there, there were kids everywhere, playing in the courtyard.  It is so surreal to finally be there and recognize these kids that I have seen in other families photos and on the waiting kids list.  They are real, live kids, no longer just two dimensional photos.   I kept thinking that maybe A and H just looked different now than their referral photos, but after asking around realized that our kids were definitely not there.  Finally, we talked to Mulat, and he said that they were at a different orphanage and he was going to get them and would be back in 20 minutes.  That was the longest 20 minutes of my life (probably because it was more like 45).  He returned alone, and said that there was a misunderstanding about the names and when he got there, realized that they were not our kids.  Ours are still in Afar, and would be here Sunday.  Or Monday.  Imagine the most disappointed you have ever been in your entire life then multiply it by 10.  I was about to lose it, so we left and went through our day robotically, going back to the guest house, having lunch, taking a nap.  Then, we went back to the big kid house for the afternoon play time.  Since there were several families there with their kids, the nannies kept the kids inside to play, unless their parents were there. That way, the visiting families could play in the courtyard and bond without being mobbed by a bunch of other kids.  So, that left us in an interesting situation, just watching the families with their kids, not really wanting to engage too much.  Eventually, I went on inside with the rest of the kids.  The playroom/dining room is about 12 x 12, with a TV in one corner and a few toys scattered around.  I took a seat against one will and a little girl brought over some trucks and we rolled them back and forth.  That was all it took for me to be mobbed with kids who wanted to climb all over me, sit on my lap, and get tickled.  They all call all American women “mommy,” so all I could understand was “mommy, mommy, mommy…” If you have ever felt unappreciated, you should definitely spend some time in an African orphanage.  These kids were so glad I was there and so happy to have someone new to play with.  It was really amazing, and I left utterly exhausted, even though all I did was sit on the floor for two hours.

In the end, the day was a total disappointment, because we didn’t get to do what we came halfway around the world to do.  But, it was a great learning opportunity for me.  I realized in the middle of my love-fest in the play room that I had been concerned about playing with A when we meet him.  Not knowing the language and not being able to explain things to him, I worried that we wouldn’t connect.  But in that small room, those small kids taught me a valuable lesson about happiness.  You don’t have to have anything, even a common language, to love each other.  And hopefully tomorrow I’ll get to share that with A and H.

Swan in the Lobby of the Embassy Suites

Definitely the highlight of today was getting to meet “The Other Kristen Watkins.” What are the chances that of all people adopting kids from Africa there would even be two people with the same name, let alone working with the same agency and then flying on the same plane to Ethiopia?  What a great coincidence, though.  They are headed back to Ethiopia for their second trip, and will bring their beautiful daughter home with them.  Look out, America…this little girl has the most beautiful smile ever!

Kristin Watkins and Kristen Watkins

I really can’t imagine going through this adoption journey without the Internet.  I’ve “met” so many great people and been supported and encouraged by people who understand what we’re going through.  It really is amazing when you think about it, that we have all been able to connect and share.

In two days, we will start our journey to Africa.  I can’t even describe how I’m feeling about that.  Excited?  Yes.  Anxious?  Yes.  Happy?  Yes.  Sad?  Yes.  There is so much going on in my brain that I can’t concentrate on anything.  But, here goes…

We got word last week that our kids’ birth family has testified in court and that all went well, meaning that they understand that adoption is final and that they relinquished their rights.  This is a good thing in terms of our adoption, but I found myself incredibly sad.  Can you imagine the pain of going before a judge and telling her that you are no longer able to parent these two beautiful children?  My heart breaks for them.  But at the same, my heart leapt for joy for our family and the wonderful gift we have been given.  Then again, my heart breaks for these two innocent children who have lost everything.  Eee gads!  You see the teeter totter of emotions!

I have these two pictures on my fridge.  Every time I get a drink, I look at those precious faces.  Some days I think that those two kids were absolutely meant to be my kids, and I feel a strong sense of connection to them.  Other days, they are just random strangers held up by a magnet.  How is it possible to feel so intensely  in love one moment and so indifferent the next?  Again, I’m swinging from extreme to extreme here.

We got new carpet all over the house last week.  In doing so, we had to take all of our belongings out into the garage and I have slowly been bringing things back in, carefully sorting, donating and throwing away what we don’t need.  I’m overwhelmed with how much we have.  At the same, I’m starting to pack donations for the care center where our children will stay.  We are lucky to have such incredibly generous friends who have given so many donations that we  likely will have to save some for our second trip.  We have so much.  And the things they need are things we take for granted.  Tylenol.  Vitamins.   Powder.  Again, two extremes.

Thursday morning we will pull out of the driveway for what is possibly the most important trip of our life.  I can’t wait, and I wish we were leaving today.  Then again, I am not quite ready, for reasons I can’t quite explain.  But the day we’ve been waiting for is finally here.  And I’m more excited than not.

Here are the details of our trip for those who have asked.  (And for those who are stalking us, our house will NOT be empty…don’t try to rob us.)

• Thursday – drive to Jacksonville, fly to DC, and have dinner with “the other Kristen Watkins.”
• Friday – board Ethiopian Air for a direct flight to Addis Ababa.
• Saturday – arrive in Addis at 8:05 am, drive to Horizon House, MEET OUR KIDS!!!!
• Monday – attend court.
• Wednesday – take a tour of Addis Ababa to see the sights.
• Thursday – say goodbye to the kids and take a late night flight out of Ethiopia, through Rome and back to the states.
• Friday – arrive in DC, fly to Jacksonville and drive back home.  (UGH…this is the part I’m dreading)

Of course, all of this is tentative and could change at any time.  We’ll try to keep you posted on what’s going on, either by blog or on facebook.  And look for pics soon!