Posted by: Kristin W | December 25, 2010

What next?

I haven’t posted for a while because I’m having trouble figuring out what to do with this blog. You see, right now, I have three distinct audiences. The first are friends and family who just want to check up on the adoption. They mainly want to hear news and updates and see the occasional photo of S and E. Sadly, there aren’t many updates at this stage of the wait. Then there are those just starting out in the adoption process who mainly want to hear about how the process works. (I’m guessing about this one, but I know there are a a lot of people who are reading and not leaving comments, so I can only assume you are curious.) Then there are my blog friends who want to hear the real scoop. So far, the three have peacefully coexisted, however, I have struggled lately with how much to disclose about what’s going on. I don’t want my family/friends to think I’ve lost my mind, and I don’t want to discourage at the early adopters about what lies in store. Therefore, I have decided to write three separate posts, one for each of you. You choose who you are and what you want to know. And for now, I’ll continue the internal debate about what this blog should be.

Family and Friends:
Merry Christmas to all! I hope you’re enjoying the day as much as we are, although I hope you got sleep later than a 5:15! The kids are happily playing with their Christmas gear, most of which has to do with baseball or art. I am typing this blog update on my new iPad while Andrew is exercising with his new heart rate monitor. We’ve already had holiday visits from Gram, John and Trey; Nena is here now; and Andrew’s parents will be here tomorrow night. Andrew is making Ethiopian food for dinner tomorrow – doro wat, miser wat and injera. I can’t wait. The holidays are a little bittersweet – last year at this time we thought we’d have two more kids in the family this year, so it’s sad that they aren’t with us yet. We continue to wait, although not as patiently as at first.

Future Adoptive Families:
Everyone said the waiting would be hard, but I didn’t believe them. I figured I already have two kids, so wouldn’t have much time to site around and dwell on it. But it’s a lot harder than I thought. As we reach the projected wait time with still no referral in site, the frustration is mounting. If I had it to do over again, I think that I might not have told so many people about our adoption plans. People are now constantly asking a how things are going, but we have nothing to report. On the other hand, it’s nice that (most) people are so supportive and encouraging, so that’s definitely something to weigh.

Blog Friends:
Help!!! I’m going out of my mind. Last week we requested and reviewed the file of waiting siblings. They were listed as malnourished, but eating well. After review by our international doctor, we have decided not to pursue this adoption. The whole experience was gut-wrenching. To see their file, read their story (limited though it was) and then have to make a decision about their future. Ultimately, they are not a good fit for our family, and I’m sure that they will find parents better suited to deal with their possible outcomes. But, what led us to review the file in the first place? I think it was truly a matter of being too frustrated with waiting. At least when reviewing the file there was some activity, something we could do other than just sit and wait. Now we’re back to just sitting and waiting. We know there are at least two (and probably three) families ahead of us on the sibling list. We are at the 11-month mark and it seems there is no way that we will get a referral inside of the one-year mark. I’m just frustrated and discouraged. It was great to see all the referral activity this month, but frankly, it just made me more frustrated, because no in front of us got moved off the list. How many lurkers are out there in front of us that we don’t even know about? How much longer will our lives be in limbo? When will Meg finally get a referral so we can take her out of the #1 spot?!?! How do people in the China program wait five+ years?

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Responses

  1. Hey, Merry Xmas! I say keep the blog, write to all of us…often. Sorry that reviewing the file didn’t go in the ‘adoption’ direction, but you guys are doing what’s best for your family. I have no idea how difficult it must have been to ‘get to know’ these kids…I am truly sorry it didn’t work out. I too never knew how hard Waiting could be. I envied that you already had kiddos, thinking that would make the Wait fly by… I guess it’s tough no matter what. And it’s only getting more and more difficult. When we were far away from a referral we were cruising, now I am up at night worrying, wondering and getting more anxious. But, it WILL happen. For both of our families. And it will be amazing. It has to be. We’re in this together.

  2. Oh, I know what you mean. I, too, have wished a bit that we had NOT told as many people about our adoption “plans” – although after nearly 3 years of things being public, most people have stopped asking. Thankfully. And…it is hard…hard to know whether waiting is about being even MORE patient as time creeps by, or about being open to more “risks” and scenarios that would not have been considered in the beginning. Hoping that the coming year brings “news of great joy” for you and your family, through the fulfillment of your adoption hopes and dreams.

  3. I completely understand all of your thoughts. I must say that I secretly thought that we would have a referral before one year on the waiting list. Jan 7th is our one year marker. Maybe something could happen before than but I seriously doubt it. Waiting is hard but I believe it will be worth it.

  4. I love how you handled this in three separate posts (although, of course, I read them all)! I struggle with the same thing. In fact, I tried to separate my blog about a year ago and it caused havoc so I sort of gave up. Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about your recent experience – that must have been so incredibly difficult. I’m sure you made the best decision for everyone in the end. Hang in there, and hold on. It will get better someday. It has to – that’s what I keep telling myself!

  5. Another WHFC waiting mom here, another blogger who came late to the game and still doesn’t know the point of her blog, or if she’ll even keep doing it, another mom already with a child and didn’t think the wait would be that hard (even after giving up on China after 4 years), another mom who requested a waiting child”s file a few months back and struggled with the decision–not to pursue the adoption either–so it looks like we have a lot in common.

    Thank god for all you fellow bloggers out there!


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